Friday, March 10, 2006

after long stillness
the ice recedes and we may
travel safe again
our path together, can we
try this one more time, my love?


Blogger eric l houck jr said...

denis, beautiful stuff.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this one.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Little Onion said...

hi denis
a nice thought but i'm finding some of the line break points difficult - i see that they may be decided not so much by how the poem sounds when read but by syllable count - line four in particular is making me itch a little

i hope the path together is safe is warm and full of love just like your poem

Little Onion

11:47 AM  
Blogger Pat Paulk said...

I love the openess for interpretation!! Echo Eric, beautiful!

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eric, Aurora, and Pat - Thank you very much for your kind words. I am glad this one pleased you.

Little Onion - Thank you for your kind wishes and for your thoughtful comments. I can see how line 4 could 'itch.' I usually try to have five complete sense lines in a tanka. However, I also often use line 3 as a pivot, as in this poem. Try reading line 4 then line 3 - one hopes this effect comes through subliminally if not directly. Anyway, I value your advice.


5:51 PM  
Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

the pivot works well! nice work --

8:20 PM  
Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:20 PM  
Blogger Alison said...

Line breaks in tanka can be a bit tricky. In this one I think the breaks plus the punctuation give us just enough indication of how to read it, but still leave some openness to interpretation, as pat mentioned.

1:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Andrew, thanks! I appreciate it.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alison, thank you for your comment. I am glad the line breaks work for you.

8:42 AM  
Blogger sangeet said...

Very nice Denis!

12:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you, Sangeet!

10:38 AM  

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