after long stillness
the ice recedes and we may
travel safe again
our path together, can we
try this one more time, my love?
posted by Anonymous at 10:04 AM
Friday, March 10, 2006
after long stillness
the ice recedes and we may
travel safe again
our path together, can we
try this one more time, my love?
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11 Comments:
denis, beautiful stuff.
hi denis
a nice thought but i'm finding some of the line break points difficult - i see that they may be decided not so much by how the poem sounds when read but by syllable count - line four in particular is making me itch a little
i hope the path together is safe is warm and full of love just like your poem
Little Onion
I love the openess for interpretation!! Echo Eric, beautiful!
Eric, Aurora, and Pat - Thank you very much for your kind words. I am glad this one pleased you.
Little Onion - Thank you for your kind wishes and for your thoughtful comments. I can see how line 4 could 'itch.' I usually try to have five complete sense lines in a tanka. However, I also often use line 3 as a pivot, as in this poem. Try reading line 4 then line 3 - one hopes this effect comes through subliminally if not directly. Anyway, I value your advice.
bw,
Denis
the pivot works well! nice work --
Andrew
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Line breaks in tanka can be a bit tricky. In this one I think the breaks plus the punctuation give us just enough indication of how to read it, but still leave some openness to interpretation, as pat mentioned.
Andrew, thanks! I appreciate it.
Alison, thank you for your comment. I am glad the line breaks work for you.
Very nice Denis!
Thank you, Sangeet!
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