Friday, March 10, 2006

after long stillness
the ice recedes and we may
travel safe again
our path together, can we
try this one more time, my love?


Blogger Eric said...

denis, beautiful stuff.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Aurora said...

I love this one.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Little Onion said...

hi denis
a nice thought but i'm finding some of the line break points difficult - i see that they may be decided not so much by how the poem sounds when read but by syllable count - line four in particular is making me itch a little

i hope the path together is safe is warm and full of love just like your poem

Little Onion

11:47 AM  
Blogger Pat Paulk said...

I love the openess for interpretation!! Echo Eric, beautiful!

12:22 PM  
Blogger Denis said...

Eric, Aurora, and Pat - Thank you very much for your kind words. I am glad this one pleased you.

Little Onion - Thank you for your kind wishes and for your thoughtful comments. I can see how line 4 could 'itch.' I usually try to have five complete sense lines in a tanka. However, I also often use line 3 as a pivot, as in this poem. Try reading line 4 then line 3 - one hopes this effect comes through subliminally if not directly. Anyway, I value your advice.


5:51 PM  
Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

the pivot works well! nice work --

8:20 PM  
Blogger J. Andrew Lockhart said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:20 PM  
Blogger Alison Williams said...

Line breaks in tanka can be a bit tricky. In this one I think the breaks plus the punctuation give us just enough indication of how to read it, but still leave some openness to interpretation, as pat mentioned.

1:11 AM  
Blogger Denis said...

Andrew, thanks! I appreciate it.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Denis said...

Alison, thank you for your comment. I am glad the line breaks work for you.

8:42 AM  
Blogger sangeet said...

Very nice Denis!

12:14 AM  
Blogger Denis said...

Thank you, Sangeet!

10:38 AM  

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